I have just returned from a further sabbatical in the southern uplands of ‘Peru’ where I was visiting Professor in Hirsute Studies and Toupee Base materials at ‘Lima’ Polytechnic. During my enforced absence (necessitated by compromising photographs and a particularly virulent venereal virus) I was able to contribute significantly to the eventual ignominious end of the most wanted man in the world.
Suffice to say that the provisions of the Official Secrets Act prevent me from talking about the specific details of my role in this matter, however following the intervention of the Confederation of British Industry I have been granted special dispensation by Her Majesty’s Government to use whatever means necessary to publicise the role of British products in bringing about the downfall of the gentleman in question.
We at the McNasty Wig and Hosiery Emporium are quite rightly proud of the quality, sophistication and successful ongoing deployment of the “McNasty Wild and Hairy” ® range of cranial and facial hairpieces complete with built in satellite location system. This range has of course already been successfully employed in the apprehension of one Mr Salami Insane, it was particularly gratifying to note that even the jerk of the hangman’s noose failed to dislodge the “McNasty Supergum Pate Attachment System” ®.
By the same token I am especially gratified by the success of the “McNasty Red White and Blue Super Rotating Merkin” ® which was employed to such excellent yet invisible effect on Friday. There is no doubt that had it been televised it would have roused many a British patriot. Indeed I have it on good authority that it caused quite a stir in Royal circles given that the groom was expecting the usual ‘Hollywood’.
It is most pleasing that British ingenuity has been instrumental in assisting a young middle class social climber on the occasion of her marriage to the world’s most eligible bachelor.
