Veiled threats

I have been considering the recent controversy surrounding Mr Jack Straw the well known party game and current leader of the House of Commons here in the UK. Those of us who keep up to date with current domestic affairs were somewhat puzzled by le Straw's stated view that he felt 'uncomfortable' when talking to women who wear 'the veil' whilst visiting him at his constituency surgery in Blackburn, Lancashire.

The poor fellow, no doubt already worried at having to visit a northern town where there are ten thousand holes, does not enjoy having conversations with women who prefer to spend their day looking at the world from the rather austere ,abeit black, textile equivalent of a Royal Mail letterbox.

I can understand the poor chumps misgivings, it is most disconcerting having a conversation with a pair of eyes staring at you through a slit; as I can testify. My readers will no doubt be familiar with Mrs McNasty's prediliction for 'exotic' dress and will sympathise with the sheer terror that can ensue when confronted with the female form dressed completely in black with eyes glinting menacingly through the eyeholes of a rubber balaclava.

However on this occasion I find myself unexpectedly agreeing whole heartedly with that great espouser of common sense and considered argument Mr Mutley Prescott, and like him I must take issue with Mr Straw's comments. Surely if a person (or even a foreign visitor) in a free country wishes to dress in a particular manner then that is a matter for them. If they wish to wear jeans and no bulky jacket whatsoever whilst embarking upon a perfectly innocent journey upon the London Tube then they should be allowed to do so. If a person were summarily executed for exercising their legitimate personal freedom in this way then there would quite rightly be an outcry. Similarly this maxim should apply to women who wish to wear 'the veil'. It is important that every woman should be free to be subjugated by their religion, by their men folk or as in the case of Mrs McNasty by their own deeply disturbed and unusual sexual tastes.

When I last met Mr Straw I have to say that i felt vaguely uncomfortable at the way that his eyes, red veined and watery, bulged out of his bottle ends at me. If he had been wearing a veil I would only have had to avoid his gaze and wouldn't have been distracted by his halitosis; perhaps he ought to consider investing in a McNasty 'wild and beardy'. This ever popular temporary face fungus is fashioned from goat hair, which is particularly effective when wet as it's distinctive smell more than masks the effects of the numerous cups of tea drunk while conducting surgeries to help anonymous undercover extremist terrorists claim their rightful benefits.

Business in the McNasty Wig and Hosiery Emporium has not been too brisk just lately, I am thinking that I might apply for a post as 'An Enraged Spokesman for the Muslim Community' as there appear to be plenty of opportunities and employment in this field at the present time.