A beautiful sunny day here at McNasty Towers, i intend to sip cold beer under the shade of the blossoming lilac trees while leafing through my latest copy of 'Hairlo' magazine. I note that it contains an intriguing article entitled 'Toupe or not toupe - an investigation into the latest hair weave technology'. I fully anticipate this to be the usual rubbish touted by the rip off merchants in the hair weave industry. Of course as a purveyor of quality rugs to the gentry, celebs and politicos of our great land i am not an unbiased observer. But surely anyone with any sense has realised by now that this so called latest technology is nothing more than a scam designed to prey on the vanity of those too insecure to accept that their bodies and associated accoutrements are wearing out, and heading downhill to the crematorium or boot hill faster than the legs that can no longer carry them. Just ask the fine tunesmith, party giver and tantrum thrower Mr Elton Bog who was once famously 'treated' at one of these exclusive establishments; when he emerged his poor bonce looked as if it had been dealt with by a potato peeler and his eagerly anticipated new barnett was as sparse as the hairs on the scrotum of a Xoloitzcuintli (http://www.dogbreedinfo.com/xoloitzcuintle.htm). I told him later at his coming out party that his money would have been better spent if he had invested in a "McNasty middle aged special"; a new model toupe that i had quite recently patented and which to this day is popular with politicians and men of the cloth. Not only does it have that permanent unwashed, unkempt, slightly dull and lifeless appearance, but by dint of the ingeneous incorporation of a mini shredder it is able to dispense noticable quantities of dandruff directly onto the shoulders of both the wearer and innocent bystanders. It is cheap to run, requiring only one A4 sheet of scrap paper per day, and the wearer could certainly never be accused of being mutton dressed as lamb.
But enough of this, I'm off to my hammock before Mrs McNasty arrives home and begins nagging me to begin decorating the dungeon again.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
The Gravy Train is leaking
I have spent an enjoyable bank holiday weekend, resting, pottering about the McNasty flat and being thankful that Mrs McNasty is away for a BDSM masterclass weekend in Somerset. However I have been troubled for most of the weekend as i puzzled over the state of our current government here in the UK.
Somewhere i have seen this before....
First there is Tony's sidekick the buffoon 'Mutley' Prescott, who has been caught with his pants down. This is quite a surprise to me as i believe that he is a keen advocate of the McNasty Undergarment Support System (MUSS); an ingenious design making the most of velcro and non-allergenic surgical tape. I'm not shocked that he is "a randy old sod" to quote his recent conquest Ms Tracey Sidebotham, and i am not shocked at his conduct with such attractive young(ish) totty. What shocks me is the fact that such a fragrant young lady should be even vaguely attracted to such an overweight opinionated oaf. There is no accounting for taste, perhaps Tracey enjoys being back scuttled by a tub of lard posing as a statesman but i have a sneaking suspicion that she simply sampled and enjoyed the exotic delights of the 'McNasty Merchant Seaman's Union Gimlet' which i supplied many years ago via mail order. I suspect that the upgraded 'McNasty Jaguar vibrating pubic wig' also maintained her interest. (In honour of the fat twat and his propensity for using 'two jags' unkind folk have been referring to him as 'two shags' but i suspect that he doesn't have a garage big enough to accomodate the actual number)
Next we have Mrs Patricia Hewitt, upsetting the nurses by claiming that the NHS has had it's best year yet; i suppose that if you measure success in terms of numbers of jobs lost, or amount of money spent (wasted) then she is probably right. Personnally i am fed up of hearing the sanctimonious drivel that emanates from within this apparently hollow human being. I am beginning to wonder whether she is in fact a cyborg, wired up to a control centre at number 10 and programmed to gush pro-Tony propaganda and spout meaningless statistics in a patronising tone (sic) when under pressure.
Finally we have Mr Charles Clarke, (who i presume must be a long term user of "McNasty's prosthetic ears", probably supplied through a third party reseller). Here is a man who claims that he is the right bloke to sort out the mess that exists as a result of his department releasing convicted foreign criminals into the community rather than deporting them. He is of course the right man for the job because he doesn't want to give up his hefty ministerial salary, his car, and the lifestyle to which he has become acustomed. To be fair to him, he inherited his department and its myriad problems from a prime exponent of the art of looking after number one (one D Blunkett esq), however, there is something dodgy about a bloke who is informed of such a major issue and promptly does nothing about it until he realises that the news has been leaked.
Of course Prince Tony, backs them all completely and will hear nothing of resignations, probably because he does not know the meaning of the word, even though i am sure that Gridiron Brown next door has tried to explain it to him a thousand times plus 50% income tax.
During the reign of the last Conservative government it became obvious that they would have to go, too many ministers making too many gaffs while lapping at the greasy brown sauce. It seems to me that the gravy train for this current lot of self serving, pompous, self righteous, preaching, "we know what's best for you", hypocrites is about to come off the rails.
When this happens I. Dougal Pontias McNasty, wigmaker, prosthetics expert, etc, etc, will celebrate by designing a new underarm hair fastening device for the German market.
Somewhere i have seen this before....
First there is Tony's sidekick the buffoon 'Mutley' Prescott, who has been caught with his pants down. This is quite a surprise to me as i believe that he is a keen advocate of the McNasty Undergarment Support System (MUSS); an ingenious design making the most of velcro and non-allergenic surgical tape. I'm not shocked that he is "a randy old sod" to quote his recent conquest Ms Tracey Sidebotham, and i am not shocked at his conduct with such attractive young(ish) totty. What shocks me is the fact that such a fragrant young lady should be even vaguely attracted to such an overweight opinionated oaf. There is no accounting for taste, perhaps Tracey enjoys being back scuttled by a tub of lard posing as a statesman but i have a sneaking suspicion that she simply sampled and enjoyed the exotic delights of the 'McNasty Merchant Seaman's Union Gimlet' which i supplied many years ago via mail order. I suspect that the upgraded 'McNasty Jaguar vibrating pubic wig' also maintained her interest. (In honour of the fat twat and his propensity for using 'two jags' unkind folk have been referring to him as 'two shags' but i suspect that he doesn't have a garage big enough to accomodate the actual number)
Next we have Mrs Patricia Hewitt, upsetting the nurses by claiming that the NHS has had it's best year yet; i suppose that if you measure success in terms of numbers of jobs lost, or amount of money spent (wasted) then she is probably right. Personnally i am fed up of hearing the sanctimonious drivel that emanates from within this apparently hollow human being. I am beginning to wonder whether she is in fact a cyborg, wired up to a control centre at number 10 and programmed to gush pro-Tony propaganda and spout meaningless statistics in a patronising tone (sic) when under pressure.
Finally we have Mr Charles Clarke, (who i presume must be a long term user of "McNasty's prosthetic ears", probably supplied through a third party reseller). Here is a man who claims that he is the right bloke to sort out the mess that exists as a result of his department releasing convicted foreign criminals into the community rather than deporting them. He is of course the right man for the job because he doesn't want to give up his hefty ministerial salary, his car, and the lifestyle to which he has become acustomed. To be fair to him, he inherited his department and its myriad problems from a prime exponent of the art of looking after number one (one D Blunkett esq), however, there is something dodgy about a bloke who is informed of such a major issue and promptly does nothing about it until he realises that the news has been leaked.
Of course Prince Tony, backs them all completely and will hear nothing of resignations, probably because he does not know the meaning of the word, even though i am sure that Gridiron Brown next door has tried to explain it to him a thousand times plus 50% income tax.
During the reign of the last Conservative government it became obvious that they would have to go, too many ministers making too many gaffs while lapping at the greasy brown sauce. It seems to me that the gravy train for this current lot of self serving, pompous, self righteous, preaching, "we know what's best for you", hypocrites is about to come off the rails.
When this happens I. Dougal Pontias McNasty, wigmaker, prosthetics expert, etc, etc, will celebrate by designing a new underarm hair fastening device for the German market.
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