I have just returned to the United Kingdom from a sabbatical in the southern uplands of Peru where I was visiting Professor in Hirsute Studies and Toupee Base materials at Lima Polytechnic. During my enforced absence (necessitated by a bungled security service operation and the possibility of financial ruin) I was forced to re-evaluate my life and my approach to numerous issues that hitherto I had held dear.
Just before I left this great country during November 2001 I was unfortunate enough to attend a CBI luncheon during which I was subjected to an interesting address by Mr Tory Blair who assured delegates that winning the war against terrorism would be good for the economy. I remember hoping at the time that he was right since up until that point his decisions had cost me dear. In particular I recall that when he sacked the Randy Gnome from the foreign office I was doing a brisk trade in wispy ginger wigs and beard attachments. Immediately prior to the Gnome's departure I was fashioning some particularly hi-tech hairpieces with built in air conditioning and sweat guttering for a forthcoming trip to the fleshpots of Thailand. After Tory wielded his axe the order was mysteriously cancelled and I was left with surplus stock of both cranial and pubic varieties.
(Fortunately I heard from friends that Tory's side kick 'Mutley' Prescott was off on another of his freeloading junkets soon, so I ordered some Cherry Blossom and lard in order to diversify into hairpieces that might be more suitable for his purposes. (As a specialist in Ginger this is something that I vowed I would never do, but needs must when the devil drives!))
After Mr Bore's address I cornered him in the gents, he didn't seem too happy when I suggested that he contact me as soon as he catches Mr Oswald Bin Liner. I assured him that Mr Bin Liner was sure to benefit from a new facial wig and cranial attachment. 'After all' I pointed out to him, 'he looks a complete prat and look at the rise in popularity of Mr Gnome once he discovered the benefits of the super-atmospheric-pressure-difference-activity (wind) resistant adhesive system that I invented.' 'And of course', I shouted as I was led away, 'Strawberry Blond is most popular throughout the world, so Mr Bin Liner is guaranteed to win friends and influence people!' Tory was quite excited by this suggestion as evidenced by his red face and exaggerated hand waving, but I couldn't catch what he was saying because one of his nice assistants had me in an arm lock at the time.
I am sorry but I digress, I will get to the point; In the course of ‘doing my bit’ I have spent two years in exile and many thousands of US dollars on female Peruvian ‘therapists’. The object of my original secret mission has been captured and is held in a Baghdad jail; as evidenced by the recent photographs that clearly show the quality of the “McNasty Wild and Hairy” range of cranial and facial hairpieces complete with built in satellite location system. The UK economy is booming according to the spin doctors and so I have returned to my country in the hope of resuming my life and place in a society free of terror and hatred.
Imagine my dismay therefore when I discover that not only has Mr Bin Liner so far evaded capture (despite my efforts in Afghanistan) but that this great country of ours appears to be run along lines that bear remarkable parallels to those that I observed during 2002 when I was operating undercover ‘somewhere in the Persian gulf’. (ie run by a tyrant, lots of easily brainwashed fanatical supporters, hijacking the press and broadcasting, boring the electorate to death, parsimonious simpering, creative accounting, ignoring the wishes of the people (particularly students) and coming up with creative methods of ending bearded employees contracts of employment.). It seems to me that a society free of terror and hatred is no more than a pipe dream, particularly if one happens to work in broadcasting or the civil service.
I am currently re-considering my decision to return to Walsall, however business is booming at the “McNasty Wig and Hosiery Emporium” and my assistant Mr Josiah Quint informs me that we received an interesting enquiry yesterday from ‘a certain office’ in Whitehall regarding our new model the ‘McNasty Young, Virile and Matey’ which interestingly I designed whilst in Peru, it was inspired by my impromptu meeting back in 2001 with a young, apparently virile and (for a while at least) most affable Mr Tory Bore. I suspect that whoever is interested in purchasing a few Kevlar reinforced models wishes to regain some of their earlier youthful appeal, while at the same time protecting their increasingly exposed cranium.
Dougal Pontias McNasty
FFWCWMATM
(Founding fellow of the worshipful company of wig makers and toupee manufacturers.)
