It would be remiss of me not to mention the appalling events in London of 7th July 2005. It is hard to be humerous or to make any political or other comment when one considers that there are people throughout world who are grieving for loved ones killed in the name of God or righteousness by fanatical religious and cultural bigots. My thoughts and prayers are with the dead, the injured and their families and also with the politicians and leaders who seek to solve the problems that recent events have brought into the public eye.
There is no excuse for killing innocent people simply because their beliefs and values are not the same as your own.
This is true whether you are living in a cave, a terraced house in Leeds, a terraced house in London with the number 10 on the door or a sprawling white place with egg shaped rooms.
May those that embrace evil and those that do not challenge their actions rotate forever upon a spit roast in the devil's hottest sweatiest chip shop.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Olympics 2012
What a land of golden opportunity! London is to host the Olympic Games in 2012 and I Dougal P. Mcnasty intend to make hay while the sun shines.
Of course I was involved in putting together the bid from the day when Lord Coo was persuaded to lead the team. Heading up the section looking after prosthetics, toupees, national dress and surgical stockings I was also drafted onto the security committee with special portfolio for concealed surveillance equipment and embrocation management.
With the success of this bid I fully expect to be appointed to head up some pointless Government quango as a reward for my loyalty and dare I say brilliance at foiling the Frenchies.
Superb planning and cunning McNasty design scuppered their ambitions good and proper. Let me explain..... over six months ago I visited Paris disguised as a traditional French Toupee Seller; you know the sort of thing, bicycle, beret, blue and white hooped shirt, a string of hair pieces slung over the shoulder. Upon arrival at the Elysee palace I managed to blag my way in to see M. Crackerjack, who being most impressed with my demonstration of the 'McNasty Garlic and Herb Special' (A ginger wig with built in offensive aroma generator) purchased one on the spot. What our French fiend did not know was that this particular model had been modified so that each day it automatically shed a few strands of nylon and most cunningly injected small amounts of the hormone oestrogeon into his scalp.
By the time of the G8 summit, and more importantly the Olympic vote, M. Shiraz's mop was looking distinctly bedraggled and (this is the clever part) his daily dose of female hormone had dried up. As any fool knows, particularly if they have lived with Mrs McNasty for any length of time, a sudden dip in the level of female hormones can cause that wonderful phenomena known as Pre Menstrual Tension or PMT. President Spartak obviously caught it really badly as he let himself down good and proper mouthing off about British Beef, Tory Bliar and awful British food. His outburst obviously convinced the International Olympic Committee that the French were not to be trusted, particulary rapidly balding ginger Frenchman who were apt to reach for the bread knife first and ask questions later.
If that's not worth a Quango chair I would like to know what is, in the meanwhile I shall continue to make preparations for the inevitable increase in orders for underarm hairpieces from female javelin throwers and shot putters.
Of course I was involved in putting together the bid from the day when Lord Coo was persuaded to lead the team. Heading up the section looking after prosthetics, toupees, national dress and surgical stockings I was also drafted onto the security committee with special portfolio for concealed surveillance equipment and embrocation management.
With the success of this bid I fully expect to be appointed to head up some pointless Government quango as a reward for my loyalty and dare I say brilliance at foiling the Frenchies.
Superb planning and cunning McNasty design scuppered their ambitions good and proper. Let me explain..... over six months ago I visited Paris disguised as a traditional French Toupee Seller; you know the sort of thing, bicycle, beret, blue and white hooped shirt, a string of hair pieces slung over the shoulder. Upon arrival at the Elysee palace I managed to blag my way in to see M. Crackerjack, who being most impressed with my demonstration of the 'McNasty Garlic and Herb Special' (A ginger wig with built in offensive aroma generator) purchased one on the spot. What our French fiend did not know was that this particular model had been modified so that each day it automatically shed a few strands of nylon and most cunningly injected small amounts of the hormone oestrogeon into his scalp.
By the time of the G8 summit, and more importantly the Olympic vote, M. Shiraz's mop was looking distinctly bedraggled and (this is the clever part) his daily dose of female hormone had dried up. As any fool knows, particularly if they have lived with Mrs McNasty for any length of time, a sudden dip in the level of female hormones can cause that wonderful phenomena known as Pre Menstrual Tension or PMT. President Spartak obviously caught it really badly as he let himself down good and proper mouthing off about British Beef, Tory Bliar and awful British food. His outburst obviously convinced the International Olympic Committee that the French were not to be trusted, particulary rapidly balding ginger Frenchman who were apt to reach for the bread knife first and ask questions later.
If that's not worth a Quango chair I would like to know what is, in the meanwhile I shall continue to make preparations for the inevitable increase in orders for underarm hairpieces from female javelin throwers and shot putters.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Busy weekend
What an excellent weekend, I am referring of course to the wonderful free Live 8 showcase gig and CD plugging event held in Hyde Park and at various other venues around the world. This was an excellent example and message from the rich and over priveleged to the rest of us that poverty is no longer acceptable. I am sure that as a result of increased sales arising out of their free publicity that they will continue to avoid this most unacceptable condition.
I was fortunate enough to be backstage attending to the needs of the famous and follically challenged; Lord Elton perhaps being the most notable dignatory availing himself of my services. As he will be the first to tell you Ginger wigs do have a mind of their own, particularly when they are on display to an audience of billions, so I made sure that I had lots of 'gaffa' tape and araldite to hand in order to ensure a performance free of the unpleasantness that can ensue when things become detached and start jumping across the stage of their own accord. (Such is the power of the rythmic boogie beats laid down by itinerant bass players and drummers.) (For your erudition this effect is know in the business as 'stage fright', due to the lasting psychological damage that witnessing such an event can have upon young and hithero innocent minds. )
The whole day went off without a hitch apart from a slight problem caused by the over trimming of a 'McNasty Wonderama' Pubic Wig by a nervous make up artist. Unfortunately this led to some nasty feedback during rehearsals but after some prompt attention Mrs Richie was able to deliver a most stunning performance completely unencumbranced by ginger snippings.
It was a pleasure to meet up with some of my old pals from the Coldstream Guards who were relaxing after 'warming up' the crowd. I noted with some satisfaction that they are still wearing the reliable 'McNasty SAM' Bearskins that I developed over fifteen years ago during a special secondment to Porton Down. (For the unitiated this headgear has a rotating top-piece that slides to one side in order to allow the launch of a miniature Surface to Air Missile which has proved very effective in deterring pigeons from mating in the vicinity of Buck House and embarassing Her Majesty. See Janes Hairpiece Weekly)
I was fortunate enough to be backstage attending to the needs of the famous and follically challenged; Lord Elton perhaps being the most notable dignatory availing himself of my services. As he will be the first to tell you Ginger wigs do have a mind of their own, particularly when they are on display to an audience of billions, so I made sure that I had lots of 'gaffa' tape and araldite to hand in order to ensure a performance free of the unpleasantness that can ensue when things become detached and start jumping across the stage of their own accord. (Such is the power of the rythmic boogie beats laid down by itinerant bass players and drummers.) (For your erudition this effect is know in the business as 'stage fright', due to the lasting psychological damage that witnessing such an event can have upon young and hithero innocent minds. )
The whole day went off without a hitch apart from a slight problem caused by the over trimming of a 'McNasty Wonderama' Pubic Wig by a nervous make up artist. Unfortunately this led to some nasty feedback during rehearsals but after some prompt attention Mrs Richie was able to deliver a most stunning performance completely unencumbranced by ginger snippings.
It was a pleasure to meet up with some of my old pals from the Coldstream Guards who were relaxing after 'warming up' the crowd. I noted with some satisfaction that they are still wearing the reliable 'McNasty SAM' Bearskins that I developed over fifteen years ago during a special secondment to Porton Down. (For the unitiated this headgear has a rotating top-piece that slides to one side in order to allow the launch of a miniature Surface to Air Missile which has proved very effective in deterring pigeons from mating in the vicinity of Buck House and embarassing Her Majesty. See Janes Hairpiece Weekly)
Thursday, June 23, 2005
State of the nation!
I have just returned to the United Kingdom from a sabbatical in the southern uplands of Peru where I was visiting Professor in Hirsute Studies and Toupee Base materials at Lima Polytechnic. During my enforced absence (necessitated by a bungled security service operation and the possibility of financial ruin) I was forced to re-evaluate my life and my approach to numerous issues that hitherto I had held dear.
Just before I left this great country during November 2001 I was unfortunate enough to attend a CBI luncheon during which I was subjected to an interesting address by Mr Tory Blair who assured delegates that winning the war against terrorism would be good for the economy. I remember hoping at the time that he was right since up until that point his decisions had cost me dear. In particular I recall that when he sacked the Randy Gnome from the foreign office I was doing a brisk trade in wispy ginger wigs and beard attachments. Immediately prior to the Gnome's departure I was fashioning some particularly hi-tech hairpieces with built in air conditioning and sweat guttering for a forthcoming trip to the fleshpots of Thailand. After Tory wielded his axe the order was mysteriously cancelled and I was left with surplus stock of both cranial and pubic varieties.
(Fortunately I heard from friends that Tory's side kick 'Mutley' Prescott was off on another of his freeloading junkets soon, so I ordered some Cherry Blossom and lard in order to diversify into hairpieces that might be more suitable for his purposes. (As a specialist in Ginger this is something that I vowed I would never do, but needs must when the devil drives!))
After Mr Bore's address I cornered him in the gents, he didn't seem too happy when I suggested that he contact me as soon as he catches Mr Oswald Bin Liner. I assured him that Mr Bin Liner was sure to benefit from a new facial wig and cranial attachment. 'After all' I pointed out to him, 'he looks a complete prat and look at the rise in popularity of Mr Gnome once he discovered the benefits of the super-atmospheric-pressure-difference-activity (wind) resistant adhesive system that I invented.' 'And of course', I shouted as I was led away, 'Strawberry Blond is most popular throughout the world, so Mr Bin Liner is guaranteed to win friends and influence people!' Tory was quite excited by this suggestion as evidenced by his red face and exaggerated hand waving, but I couldn't catch what he was saying because one of his nice assistants had me in an arm lock at the time.
I am sorry but I digress, I will get to the point; In the course of ‘doing my bit’ I have spent two years in exile and many thousands of US dollars on female Peruvian ‘therapists’. The object of my original secret mission has been captured and is held in a Baghdad jail; as evidenced by the recent photographs that clearly show the quality of the “McNasty Wild and Hairy” range of cranial and facial hairpieces complete with built in satellite location system. The UK economy is booming according to the spin doctors and so I have returned to my country in the hope of resuming my life and place in a society free of terror and hatred.
Imagine my dismay therefore when I discover that not only has Mr Bin Liner so far evaded capture (despite my efforts in Afghanistan) but that this great country of ours appears to be run along lines that bear remarkable parallels to those that I observed during 2002 when I was operating undercover ‘somewhere in the Persian gulf’. (ie run by a tyrant, lots of easily brainwashed fanatical supporters, hijacking the press and broadcasting, boring the electorate to death, parsimonious simpering, creative accounting, ignoring the wishes of the people (particularly students) and coming up with creative methods of ending bearded employees contracts of employment.). It seems to me that a society free of terror and hatred is no more than a pipe dream, particularly if one happens to work in broadcasting or the civil service.
I am currently re-considering my decision to return to Walsall, however business is booming at the “McNasty Wig and Hosiery Emporium” and my assistant Mr Josiah Quint informs me that we received an interesting enquiry yesterday from ‘a certain office’ in Whitehall regarding our new model the ‘McNasty Young, Virile and Matey’ which interestingly I designed whilst in Peru, it was inspired by my impromptu meeting back in 2001 with a young, apparently virile and (for a while at least) most affable Mr Tory Bore. I suspect that whoever is interested in purchasing a few Kevlar reinforced models wishes to regain some of their earlier youthful appeal, while at the same time protecting their increasingly exposed cranium.
Dougal Pontias McNasty
FFWCWMATM
(Founding fellow of the worshipful company of wig makers and toupee manufacturers.)
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